My heart wants beauty. The physical beauty of nature. Open spaces and quite and trees that murmur in the breeze. Green, and bright blue too.
My heart wants home. Authentic, tangible love that I do not have to work for. Friends. Family.
Margarita, the woman I wrote about earlier whom we met in the hospital, went missing for two weeks. We visited her for 3 1-2 months. We shared with her everything our team was doing, our personal struggles, the Bible, prayer, and she gave us an eager ear and encouragement. Our relationship went beyond ministry- I looked forward to sharing my stories with her, her easy laugh, her confident prayer. We went back on Tues to see if she had come back, or if the neighbors had any insight on the situation. The door was open, and the brother in law quickly greeted us and asked us to come inside. Margarita is back on the streets. Back in drugs. Back in alcohol. She only comes back to wash clothes. He does not understand, he said, because she was always so joyful when she talked about us. She seemed to be turning her life around.
I have many more stories. Stories of people that God placed on my heart to love. And I loved. And then they turned away. I do not know why… I really do not understand.
God, I tried so hard. Why? What did I do wrong? It hurts. It hurts so much, because no matter what they do to me, I still have to love them. I have to smile, I have to care, I have to ask and dive in and pursue even when they could care less if I exist. God, I know I should ask you to walk with me, to comfort me, to show me what you are trying to teach me, but right now I do not even want to pray to you. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Is this how I make you feel every day? I am sorry, Lord. Please love me, because I cannot love you right now.
Oh my sweet Liana. You have done nothing wrong and “everything” right. You have stepped out in Faith to do what God has asked you to do and the rest is up to HIM! Thank you for sharing your heart. Our “hearts” want you home too and are praying for you so deeply for the remainder of your time in Nicaragua. We love you!!!
Good for you, Liana. Don’t hide what you feel, especially from God. I had a similar experience and even considered denying God and seeking some other religion or something. God showed me his true love and I was made alive after wrestling thru that. Let this shape you. You’re doing great and I’m proud of you. It’s hard to see clearly now, but you are growing so much. Keep at it, Liana… especially now.
You are very tired. Jesus got very tired also! He would continually be drained from the sin of the people. You need a rest, and a rest is coming soon. You do not need to pray, but you do need to sit in His Presence and let Him fill you full again. Madre tells you that you have done your part and the rest is up to Him. This is so true. Remember, when you leave, you will have left Christ with them and He will continue to woo them into His purpose for their lives. Let go and trust God with these wonderful people that He alone created and has privileged you to minister to.
I love you so much,
Grandma
We will be praying that the Holy Spirit fill you full of His power and glory. Seek Him first. We are praying for your protection.
Praying for you Liana! Don’t forget, sometimes you are the planter, sometimes the waterer – but GOD is the one who makes all things grow. He doesn’t live in disappointment of you, He loves you and is actually quite infatuated with you 🙂
hey girlie. I’m so sorry that you are hurting. My heart goes out to you. You have an amazing love inside of you because of Christ and you are striving to use it! You will be home soon! Remember that if you are heavy-burdened, God doesn’t feel like the one to run to, but He is the one that is there for you with arms open wider than you can imagine. Talk to you in person in less than a month!!!!!