My heart wants beauty. The physical beauty of nature. Open spaces and quite and trees that murmur in the breeze. Green, and bright blue too.
My heart wants home. Authentic, tangible love that I do not have to work for. Friends. Family.
Margarita, the woman I wrote about earlier whom we met in the hospital, went missing for two weeks. We visited her for 3 1-2 months. We shared with her everything our team was doing, our personal struggles, the Bible, prayer, and she gave us an eager ear and encouragement. Our relationship went beyond ministry- I looked forward to sharing my stories with her, her easy laugh, her confident prayer. We went back on Tues to see if she had come back, or if the neighbors had any insight on the situation. The door was open, and the brother in law quickly greeted us and asked us to come inside. Margarita is back on the streets. Back in drugs. Back in alcohol. She only comes back to wash clothes. He does not understand, he said, because she was always so joyful when she talked about us. She seemed to be turning her life around.
I have many more stories. Stories of people that God placed on my heart to love. And I loved. And then they turned away. I do not know why... I really do not understand.
God, I tried so hard. Why? What did I do wrong? It hurts. It hurts so much, because no matter what they do to me, I still have to love them. I have to smile, I have to care, I have to ask and dive in and pursue even when they could care less if I exist. God, I know I should ask you to walk with me, to comfort me, to show me what you are trying to teach me, but right now I do not even want to pray to you. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Is this how I make you feel every day? I am sorry, Lord. Please love me, because I cannot love you right now.
